Nesquik. Das PLUS zur Milch!

today i was going to go to church with pam, and then afterwards meet the worship leader guy who is directing the advent choir i am going to be a part of during this advent season. however- my dreasm last night, though i don[t remember it, woke me up feeling.... constricted and depressed. i decided not to go to church. that led me to thinking of all the miserable things that are happening recently and i lay there in bed breathing the stuffy air of our my room, and wishing things were different, but unable to really pinpoint the problem. it came to me though. rebellion. merde alors rebellion. i have it engrained in my being that i am unique. yes there is no problem with that. but i take it too far. i rebel when someone wants God i want the devil. ok maybe not that extreme- but i just don't want to do what everyone else is doing, go where everyone else goes, have the same expression on my face that everyone else does. so... i relate this all to whitworth. i don't want to be here. see i am so conflicted. i do feel a level of comfort here, but there is also a level of.... i don't belong here. when i visited here 2 years ago- somethign in me told me this is where i would be going to school. the feeling persisted until i got here, and things just didn't feel right. don't feel right. what am i doing here? i am protected in this safe little whitworth bubble, surrounded by christians, a bunch of well- meaning bible- thumpers, people who knows there is a world out there... but don't react to the world. no they know the world is there, but they just.... are not active in it. ok perhaps here, yes i am actually, i am spreading my impression of a few people too far throughout the whitworth community. i am sure (oh god that would be bad) that not everyone here is like the people i have been surroundedd with as of late.



ok my mind just jumped to how i would find those different people out there. i thought of what some upper classmen told me " get involved in the theater!" but then i see this pink haired loud mouthed girl.... and i think "NO" oh and also this guy i went to marist with is in the theater. boo. there is this comedic improv group that i wish i tried out for, because i wanted to hit them with my humor. not the canned and roudy "oh i'm so funny" humor- the "you're so dumb and i know it and this is what you look like " humor. oh boy to imitate people. ah but back to my misery. see when i am unhappy, i often hide that by imitating my surroundings. people may think that i am just like them, but really, i am imitating them, making fun of them, throwing who they are and what they are doing back in their faces. (i know that i am being brutally honest here) i wonder how many people would be so paranoid around me after they knew this fact about me. hmmmm. but don't worry- this only goes (ususally) to the people i am only aquainted with. the retards who don;t understand me. like my roomie. although she is a different breed of dumb. she is at the bottom of the pit of understanding, and i am not about to open the door of comprehension for her. oh speak of the devil she's back.



perhaps i should talk of other things. like flowers. or track. or being sick, or forgetting to introduce myself to attractive guys i meet who are very nice. oops. oh man though. it was bad. we were in the weight room,working out of course, sweating, not looking too attractive (i was going to say hot but that was a bad pun) , and this guy totally gets in our way, apologizes, then turns around to make some wonderfully witty comment, to which we all laugh at, then he's sorry i don't know your name. (i'm thinking wow, smooth buddy, real smooth) but anyways the girls i am with introduce themselves, and i am partially turned away doing some dumbell squat row press things, so i.... neglect to introduce myself. oops. i forget why but i didn't oh well.



see here's the thing... i forget. actually i just went back and added paragraphs..... and now i am distracted. oh i remember. i was thinking. is it really unhealty for me to be surrounded by godly and loving and sighing and happy people? because in correlation or whatever to what i always do... i will e drawn the other direction. i mean i am almost there. i don't want to go to church, i haven't for 3 weeks now. all i want to do is... ride my freaking bike! but i can't because my bike lock is stuck on my bike :(. so that sucks. i think perhaps.... i have been talking too much. i think i will go on a walk/ run on the "back 40" (more like the back dusty) and clear my head. right. that really won't happen- but in my response to all th things i have been feeling, i have either been online, exercising, thinking of guys.... or eating. tis the life. not really since some/ most of the boys i meet..... i judge in such a sarcastic manner. ho hum. yeah and my roomie is here and i haven't said a direct word to her really in.... a couple days now. actually before i post this post, i will post this message i sent someone in which is explained the situation with her. and my frustrations of her and her damned hair dryer which she now turned on. bitch. anyways. well i shall continue in my heathen ways, by discretelly flipping her off as i am doing now... and going out in the lounge to read until she's gone. woohoo.