Je ne sais pas

I... don't feel well. Today has been a nice day, but all the sudden towards the end of watching dancing with the stars, I felt real shitty and tired. Last night I got to bed later than I wanted (12:45am) but then I could not sleep because I was thinking too much. See the thing is... I don't know what to do about next year. Or anything. Right now besides blogging at the moment and returning after my 5 hour long break from homework, I am actually being very productive amongst my procrastination, and I feel good about completing my assignment. My goal is to make it to the end of next week, and then I am DONE. Good gracious I want to be done so badly! Oh my gosh I just have so much bottled inside me right now that... I feel disgusting. So here's my conflict.

I don't know what I am doing next year. Or in the future. I just don't know. My grades this semester are still real shitty, and I just have not been enjoying learning things. That sucks. So the primary reason for me to go to school, to learn something that interests me, has backfired and I am getting myself nowhere. So, my reasoning now is that perhaps a semester off from this Whitworth academic world would be a good thing.

But. I come to my conflict. I have friends here, I really do. They are pretty cool people. They like me. We have fun together. But I still feel like an outsider, probably mostly because I am so uncomfortable with my self- conflict that I feel everyone can see this, feel, and is repelled from me because of it. Next year, on the social Whitty level sounds pretty fun. My friend Elizabeth is an RA in my dorm. I know a lot of fun people and friends who will still be here in Arend (my present dorm now) with me next year, and I got a cool single room for myself that would be real fun. Then there are incoming freshman to have fun with, people to visit off- campus, etc. Life could still be fun. But realistically I would have to transform a part of myself over the summer to help myself in that situation to get out of my room, and see people, to do my work and enjoy it... to not be depressed. So even though there are definately some great people, professors and classes holding me to Whitworth, I still feel like I am pulling away. When I'm with them I still feel alone and empty.

Next option; Remain away from Whitworth in the fall, taking a hiatus, to work and save money, and maybe take some classes at lcc just to keep my senses sharp.... amd go back in the spring. A downer of that might be living at home again.... with all the freedom I'm used to now, that'd be soooo so so hard to go back under the controlling and rule- bound house of my parents. Hence the reason i think if I did that, I should move up to the apartment above our garage. Perhaps to avoid the conflict which comes with being around my parents for long periods of time. gracious this is so stressful. and it's consuming my mind.

SIDE NOTE... I wrote this post a couple days ago... on Tuesday and it's now Friday. The content is still largely applicable but as of today.... I really feel I will not be coming back next semester. money really is tight back home, and I am just wasting it here. Because I know I am doing real shitty. Like maybe failing a class. it just sucks sucks sucks. so anyways. enough ranting, let's jsut get this post out on the blog now shall we? we shall. well, i will.