well. thanks for autosave! my head is light again

i'm lost. i watch lost. i hate getting lost. somehow i still can be funny. but also a larger part of me seems to be dark, dry, and silent. observant and dull. when i look in the mirror... i just stare at myself, trying to figure myself out. i can't get past my eyes, though i can tell in my face that i am deeply troubled-- though i jusmp about as to pinpointing the exact reason(s) i am troubled. i am unsettled even in finding out what is wrong with me. how messed up is that? eyes hard. a wall. who can ever get past them? not me. have you ever wondered why you are the way you are? of course. but have you ever wondered that and never been able to understand it? hmmm... yes. but you know recetly talking with the counselor, i seemed ot finally be figuring out why i am the way i am. it just so happened that i did a bunch of personality tests by coincidence around the same time, and i found it fascinating to find that sort of stuff out. and really, it was very helpful to understand that yeah, stimulation is huge for me. (a bit off topic) but "being with matt" helped me figure out the things i want more ina relationship, namely, that i need someone who will take the emotion i give, and give some back to me as well (aka, feedback). what a wondrous thing. being a human is a wondrous thing. you'd think that when you are something, a rock, a dog, a cucumber, you'd know what you are (well, in their cases if they could think like we humans, they would "know" in the same way we understand "knowing"). in the same way, you'd think that being a human, you'd understand what being a human was, maybe not what it meant or your purpose, but you'd at least understand fully what you are. perhaps though that is not what i am searching for. i mean, along the ways that i am defining "what it is" i am just meaning that oh yeah, i understand we are made of bones, tissues, organs, muscles, nerves, and skin. but the things i don't know.... are the why... perhaps? the ok I am this so what do I do with it sort of thing? or did i just contradict myself?

i'm tired of writing, of musing. it's time... to go to bed. also my lips are chapped. time to take care of that. good night....