trail mix and a raw pear.

i am beginning to really like talking to the counselor here. janelle thayer. amazing woman. so anyways today we talked more about me (side note: it's weird to spend an hour talking about yourself! it actually feels good because i know i strive not to always think/ talk/ blab on about myself in my daily life). key points: i need to work on developing my "inner coach" so very damn true. to work from the inside out, motivating myself, challenging myself, working with myself, understand what i actually am all about. I need to be patient with myself and take the time to understand why i feel the way i feel. to recognize those things in my life that really do affect me-- whether i choose to acknowledge them or not-- those people, places, smells, sounds, emotions, situations, etc. that get to me whether it be good or bad. i am working on figuring myself out, and i must say that it is both fascinating and horrifying at the same time. so with those things in mind i move forward to get some measure of control on my life, because that is a thing that brings me comfort and stability. also those good habits i am developing will become my foundations for when i move through those tough transitions as i realize that i really haven't taken to change very well. it's a tough thing to accept, change. but i am going to work with myself in not just reacting to things, but acting on them.

the coming months hold much promise for me and i am going to strive to keep this optimistic view and momentum. ever since i started swimming sophomore year of high school, i relaized that i could and wantede to do a triathaon. many triathalons. so. with that said, i am now in the process (and great cahllenge) of training myself for a triathalon. it's going to be hard, it already ahs proven to be. but i am excited to learn from this. also the classes i am taking now; i can see how they relate to one another, and how i can use this knowledge i gain from them in the future. it's great! i'm excited. that's not to say that the classes themselves can still be boring, but as long as i keep reminding myself of why they are important for me now and in the future-- i will be ok.

i had such a great conversation last night with my friend haley. you know before, we knew each otehr, we liked each other, we had had some good talks before (namely one about church and christianity and christians and the works), but... well i mean we just weren't so so so extremely close. last night's conversation really made me understand that "wow, we really have a lot in common with each other!" it was incredible. you could say we talked about humanity. it was incredible. she shared i shared. lulls or silence in the conversation was not awkward at all. simply last night was just an incredibly mind bogglingly cool connection. we both needed it. i really appreciated it. i just love talking with people. so that was great. haley's great. our newfound connection and support of each other is great. horray for that!

after haley and i talked.... matt came around. basically we just laid around (in haley and elizabeth's room) and didn't say too much. we were all worn out. haley and elizabeth lef the room briefly and matt invited me up on elizabeth's bed next to him- since i was laying on the floor and the bed was so much more comfortable. the girls cam back and after some playful lighthearted conversation elizabeth wanted to go to bed (it was midnight). we exited and matt asked me if i had found my phone yet (i'm pretty sire the snow bank ate it during a story from the previous night which i will tell in a bit :-)) i remembered that i hadn't executed the nighttime search, as my phone was on silent and i thought that we might be able to see in light up in the snow. so matt and i went out for a short walk to find it. :) we get outside and i told him teh reason i had looked at him and laughed at him earlier (i do that a lot) was because that i was thinking of how little i knew of him and how somehow we could get to know each other just by having our bodies touch and all the knowledge would just saturate through our skin and voila! i know everything about him. well ok i shortened it to "i don't really know too much about you matt!" and we decided to tell each otehr about our family, pets, school, and travels. and introduction. it was very nice! so very normal, and very pleasant. this is not to say that cuddling and hand rubbing isn't excellent, it's just that for once we are having a conversation not about... well honestly sex or drinking or friends or anything. this was about our lives (which are related to those other things but that's another story) it was very pleasant and we weren't done with ym side of the sotry when we got back to the dorm so we went in the fishbowl with the doors shut and the lights off and sat there on the couches and finished up. i was actually really exhausted, since matt and sam (girl) and i had stayed up till 3 the previous night.... hence the other story, so i needed to go to bed. well he walked me up to my room (i got butterflies!!!!!!!) and we had a nice long hug..... and a hug and said goodnight and see you tomorrow... and the night was over and i giggled to myself while getting ready for bed and then fell into a deep sleep.

so horray. we go from musings to romance. such fun. i hope perhaps if anyone ever sees this i have brought some... ginnershine into their day.... yay! i have to go showere now. i just went on a self motivated and dangerous run on half ice- half 2 feet deep powder snow. rather treacherous. but i was out there for 40 minutes.... so i feel good! woot. haley and i are also goign to begin celebrating "finger fridays" and finger paint every friday. yay! also there is open swim on monday and saterday (wednesdays too but i have night class.... again that is connected to the story i'll tell later. :-) bye now!