grumblings. tousellings. shocks.

so much time spent in despair as of late. much too much time spent this way. my comfort is... sappy movies. my josh groban/ sarah brightman/ enya playlist on pandora.com. a couple girls around campus. 3 in fact. mother of pearl though! the songs that keep playing keep talking about "the matt situation" fucking bugger. you know it is for this most reason that i am thinking of changing my blog address. too much word has gone out. or maybe i'm just being silly, because a blog is meant to be read. fuck now "you're all i need, my love, my valentine" is playing. despair despair despair!!!!! it's tiring to be this down. it also makes me angry: when something or someone makes me lose sleep, i get very angry with them. gracious. so needless to say.... there are a couple things/ people that i am not ahppy with right now. but you want to know the problems of this moment? my neck aches because i am slouching. my nose is stuffed a bit. my eyes are a bit salt- crusted. my toes are a bit cold. somee bloody bloke named matt is a fucking retard.

come now!!! ok i know what it's like to avoiod problems, and not try to face them, i do that. BUT there are the times when i am soooooo fed up with things, that i act upon my frustrations, and bluntly (i do admit i have a bit of difficulty with the grace of delivery) put the problem out there, put my response to the problem out there. and challenge whoever it is to do the same for me. unfortunately when i did this with matt, when i told him how i felt (ok not as completely as i could have, but i told him that honestly i was struggling with the whole situation, come now, this was our faux- dtr! of the "DTR" blog post.) when i told him all this, he did not tell me anything on his side. we just clarified our date was no strings attached. i have no idea what he felt. no idea what he's feeling. all i know is that every time i am around him now... i feel so INADEQUATE. is that how you spell that? oh fuck it. but i think ya'll get the message. i don't feel good enough, and that sucks. unfortunately this "not good enough" theme has been floating about in other areas of my life as of late. balls. i am weary. and am going to..... drift about the internet elsewhere, and perhaps/ probably watch a movie/lost online. woot.