unstimulated.

This word is largely the theme of my day today. "blah" could also be a very good descriptive word. naked might too... except for the fact that i am wearing clothes now and have been all day, but am planning on going out to ride my bike around and around campus later this hour.

I am in fact drinking a cherry pepsi right now. and i ate some more brownie mix. i haven't showered yet, though in preparation for dinner i washed my bangs and got my hair wet and then dried it underneath the handdryer to get the kink out of my hair from my pony tail. though now my hair hangs limp about my face like normal. a sticky note is at eye level here at my desk that says " motivation comes from *setting short + long goals * habit formation **some is better than none!" funny..... though this makes this whole progress into making some good changes and such and such in my life so much more manageable.... it just tends to remind me now of my inability to spell inability and my inability to make myself go from the point of knowing what to do, wanting to do it, wanting the results.... but getting out there and doing it. it's a terrible affliction this past year that has really been fed by my lonliness, sometimes depression, boredom, etc etc, AND lack of stimulation. which.... might bring me to now discuss my matt situation.

the matt situation sucks. i sit around wondering about it all, wanting the results of a conversation or hangout time, but again i am terribly afflicted with an inability to act. fuck. just thought i'd add some spice into this post because really, it's hard to type about or even come close to portraying the pull on my heart. the heaviness. the sadness. the extent to which i am so damn unhappy with myself. i DESPISE my inability to act. i sit and dream of many things, great things, small things, fun little excursions, quirky expressions or conversations or interactions even. but i don't act on these. i don't act. how much can i emphasize the feelings evoked inside of me at these words? I. DO NOT ACT upon what I know is good, what i know is stimulating, what i know is to be living. now, i simply just lurk about time. i just am. like tuck says in "tuck everlasting" (a movie that i find myself relating to more and more each time i watch it) tuck says they are like rocks stuck on the side of a stream. that is what i feel i am. a rock. stuck here. stuck within myself. stuck being unhappy with what amd who i am. bleah.

i realize that i have not spokan about the matt situation. but basically this is how i summarize it: what is happening this week, the "not seeing each other" and possible "silent treatment/ obligatory hangout time" (which has happened only when he dropped my roommate's car keys off, and when we met my friend sam to do our romans homework together yesterday and the time during class and during the break that we happened to spend with each other and sam and trevor. gracious) blast. what is happening to me...... well i feel like it's kind of like what i did to him that week after our date. i purposely avoided him. perhaps it was best not to see him, but i avoided him with a lack of communiation, and me in my hypocratic ways i went against what i always stress "communication is the key to all good relationships" i didn't communicate. i feel like matt (aka "certain someone") is doing just that to me. usually (even in the week of my avoiding him) we text during the day. he hasn't returned my (3 innocent) texts all week. he hasn't kept up with our ongoing poke war on facebook. he hasn't.... been around. this all sounds silly to one who is not experienced it (aka everyone besides me) mais, c'est vrai et important!!! ahhhhh!!! it vexes me.

i am going to.... go unlock my bike (i hope the lock isn't rusted over!!!) and ride about campus in the frigid air to loosen my muscles a bit. i a also very sore from my workout on mondaya/ tuesday. awesome..... ok. well. that's it for now.

peace? no. hippy love. side note..... a guy was smoking a cigarette and for the first time i breathed in deeply when i walked by him and his smoke. does that say something about what is going on with me? am i chaning so much that second hand smoke smells good/ comforting??? merde alors.