nervous and involuntary floppy arm movements.

I swear I'm a freaking roller coaster. every week it seems, I'm up here in the sky, happy as a lark, but then in the blink of an eye I am down in the bellows of the earth. What is this life???

So i thought I'd update ya'll on the most recent updates in the good ol' roller coastin' life of the gingin. main points. a) I have a job. b) I pulled an 85% on my first core test (woot) c) i somehow got honey on my freaking forehead this morning at breakfast and just noticed it (it's now 1:23pm) awesome. d) i french braided my hair yesterday and it was mildy successful, minus the part where i looked a bit like an earth child with all the hair that fell out and was about my face e) remnants of me braiding my hair are seen in the god- awful pony tail i am sporting. greasy hair all curled in a mass of hair. good thing i actually brush my hair huh? NOT. f) devin lent me the book "beauty and the beast" and it was awesome! the nest book i've read in a while. well written and descriptive and romantic!! yay! ok fine.... and i am avoiding..... g) i DTR'd with matt again. or should i just say we talked. so we come.... to the beef of my message.

i am getting a bit tired of telling this story, so we'll see how the finished product turns out. so anyways. actually i take that back. i REALLY am tired of telling this story.... bleah. but it needs to get out there. or does it? hmmmm. well. simply said then, I dropped somethign off earlier in the evening for him, and it would have been the perfect opportunity to talk-- but I chickened out. I saw Sam in the lounge, and expressed my frustrations with my inability to talk with him then (since she knows the whole story and stayed with me this weekend while I cried) and my ggod do i look disgusting right now! i am going to go close the door! grroooooaaaaannnnn....

ok fine. so after going over and over what I needed to and was going to say to him when I went back down there.... i did it. I had my four main points, and here they are : 1. i like him 2. i am scared 3. i am confused. 4. i am freaking frustrated! so i get into his room.... and i am clearly nervous. i say "matt we need to talk" he says ok and pauses his movie since blood and guts and dying on black hawk down are not pleasant background when determining the relationship. my mind was kind of moving so fast at first that i was literally tripping over my own words. i was kind of breathless too. but anyways. [awww emily just came in and i told her the story, and we laughed and yay! it was good. comic relief, because really, when i look back at the whole encounter.... it's pretty entertaining.]

and actually... have to go now and get ready to leave for my job! but.... actually maybe i could finish. oh fine i will. after i go wash my bangs. i've got to look kind of presentable you know?! brb... ha ok i'm back, and eating a small portion of brownie mix. that has become my new vice as of late, but fortunately i am on the last bag (of a costco sized box of hershey's brownies, woot.) so also.... it's raining, and i have to garden. outside. i hope the lady doesn't want me to cancel, i have kind of been looking forward to this! money! woohoo!!! savings! woohoo!!! getting off campus! woohoo!

ok back to the matt story. ok so sam and i are in the lounge, i am rolling on the floor (not kidding) and even with it being really funny that i don't want to go back down there (even though really i do want to, because i should. but i hate the word and implications of "should" another post for another time) i agreed to go down there, but this was after i went over and over what i was oging to say to him with sam, to make sure it was clear. it was. so. after some more resisting in the stairwell (i'm afraid i beat andy up a bit and kendall was being... kendall.) but all the same i had some real support from sam, kendall, and andy. they all also knew the sotry of matt and i, because, how could you NOT know. anyways.

i do it. i knock on matt's door, and after lurking awkwardly out of sight.... i leaned in, said, matt, "we need to talk" and he made some. wait a minute. i already said all this. okkok breathless. tripping over my words. right. main points, check. ok. so basically after i slowed a bit, i rattled off my main points, then i calmed down even more (blood pressure was still elevated) and went through the story of our "relationship" , moving from our date, and on to the present day. it went well. i feel like i explained thigns pretty well. so when i was done.... i awkwardly paused for extra effect, and then i asked if he had any reactions or comments. basically he said 1. he completely misunderstood my freaky frantic "i don't understand myself!" dtr of about 2 weeks ago, and he saw that as a "i need space speech" and thus he gave me space. withdrawing his attentions from me. unfortunately for him this backfired, and so he in turn gave me even MORE space, until we came to me being completely confused and so damn frustrated. 2. this is awkward, but after the real awkward "i like you point" of earlier in this dtr, he said something like "i kind of figured that" ah! who says that???? that's not a good response to when someone says they like you!!! so that's a bit frustrating.

actually i really do have to go now, but my lingering feelings are: relief that i got what was on my chest out on the table for him to pick over, but you know, he hasn't told me what he's feeling (and i do know that that is hard for guys to do and i suppose he'll need some prodding), and i also don't know what the future is going to hold. when we dated, we said "let's do this again" and iam still open to that... but yeah. for now, the past is cleaned up, the future is foggy. the present is fine. ok. i've got to go. and get dressed and call the lady to make sure she still wants me today. woot.

bye all! love you tons. you really are my rocks. thank you for that. perhaps a sappy post will also come later. BYE!!!